Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
