This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
