i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
