If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
