My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
