im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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