Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
