defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So squirting runs in the family.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
