if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
