she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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