first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
