The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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