she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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