I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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