Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
