I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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