Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
