i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize