You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think my fart just growled at me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
