Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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