All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
