remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
