I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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