i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
