if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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