This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
