i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
