No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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