in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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