She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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