Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
