On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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