You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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