Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
