I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I think people are normalizing furries
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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