I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
