Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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