He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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