i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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