The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize