You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
