he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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