So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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