Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
