six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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