I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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