and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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