I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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