I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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