Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
