I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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