She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
