cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
