there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
