So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
