Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
