I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize