did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
