My cat gives me a boner
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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