no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
