I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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