haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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