Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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