Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
