Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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