hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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