I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
