Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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