i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
