may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
