so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
