i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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