I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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