Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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