I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
